The Two Sides of My Brain

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 04:41:46 GMT

I should have transferred three years ago.

Catholic guilt

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 04:04:32 GMT

Whenever I want to DO anything, I never have enough time. I'm taking 18 credit hours, half of which are studio art classes--which is insane because each studio class requires like 20 hours of outside class time. I'm also working (mostly nights--and my classes are mostly mornings); I was kind of offered the position of treasurer at ceramics club, and I wanted to be more involved this year (I sort of feel like my resume is lacking), but I ended up accidentally taking a 5-hour nap and missed the whole meeting. Shit. It's not totally a big deal--but why do I feel so guilty?

FINAL

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 02:06:55 GMT

I don't know what is with me, but I am absolutely terrified about school this week. Probably because last semester (abroad) was just pretty much blow-off and double majoring is hard only because LUC makes it so difficult to get the classes you need, but...I don't know. I read all of my professor's e-mails today and there was one that sort of warned everyone about the level of knowledge he expected, and now I'm just going through all of this self-doubt...

I just have to remind myself of these things:

1. I'm not an idiot.
2. Things will work out.
3. I'll be done soon.

It's so weird, I KNOW I can do this (uh, hello, it's not that hard), it's just... I don't know, it makes me think of that ridiculous tape that Patrick Swayze makes in Donnie Darko about Love vs. Fear. Is my fear holding me back, y'alls?!

Sometimes I feel like a speck of dust, and other times I feel like everything is at my fingertips.

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 23:33:46 GMT

Schon gesehen:

Dublin
Edinburgh
Glasgow
London
Barcelona
Milan
Hamburg
Bremen

Next up:
The Hague
Delft
Munich
Berlin

But all I really really wanna do is lie in my hammock in Indiana and listen to Sufjan Stevens/This American Life and read The Daydreamer/Roald Dahl.

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 08:15:22 GMT

Germany is amazing. My days are spent like this: Eating amazing food, attending (mostly) amazing class, then drinking a shit ton of amazing things, and then fucking around with amazing kids.
I love it.

In 15 minutes I leave to go check out Hamburg, which holds the biggest party district in Germany, where next week we will take a train at 11 pm, trinken und tanzen gehen, and then return at 6 am on the next train back. I am slightly hungover from last night, but I don't think anyone won't be. I wish I could just tell you all about what was going on, but there just isn't enough time or space!

The accident

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 22:21:06 GMT

Yesterday my mom and I got into an awful car accident. We're ok, but the van got totaled because of some geriatric guy who I guess didn't have a fast enough reaction time to stop for his red light. It happened at the intersection of Broadmoor and Columbia. We think he also hit the gas instead of the brakes because he must've been going 50, at least--maybe even 60 mph. We were airborne over the curb, too. It was pretty scary. My hat flew off in all the bustle!

But I guess all that matters is that we really weren't hurt, thanks to the biggest piece of steel that GM has ever sold.

I do have exciting news, however. I got Loyola's scholarship they give to kids who study abroad! So that's great!

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 12:56:26 GMT

Dayimn, I gotta stop leaving papers until the last minute. Mama is tired, babies.

Sweet and succinct.

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 18:31:13 GMT

I'm going to Germany next semester. Hallelujah!

To Wilson, and back!

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 22:59:55 GMT

Gosh, isn't it amazing to see what you can accomplish when you don't take three-hour naps every Monday!?

Oh snap!

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 11:20:00 GMT

So I really need to get off this whole lazy/unmotivated thing. Tonight I had tons of free time since my professor cancelled my design class, but instead I ended up passing out until like 5 am. Oh also I didn't start a paper that's due tomorrow until then too.
Luckily! I work best under pressure! I need to learn how to trick myself into thinking that all my papers are due like two hours after I start to write them because it seems like that's how I do all of my good writingz.
On the plus/negative side, I've been incredibly stressed out lately. Boy, life sure is full of ups and downs, isn't it? I don't think I've ever been so disheartened and even depressed as I was after my portfolio review (which wasn't even that bad! My advisor said it was a great review!); it was chock full of challenges, which I guess I should've anticipated, but whatever. Man, I go out of my way to be nice, so it's always shocking to experience when people aren't.

Awwww man, when is it gonna end!? Although, surprisingly, this year more than ever, I feel like THERE IS NO TIME. I feel like an hour is never enough and a day needs to last longer. If I had a 26-hour day, it'd solve so many problems. I keep having to choose between sleep and work, especially because I don't want to give up my me time. (My priorities are fucked.) But...I imagine that's how a lot of people feel too.

Anyways, this year has been weird so far. I've become the supportive friend, the wild friend, the reserved kid, the withdrawn girl. It's weird, I almost feel like I'm watching myself change. One of my old professors (who, incidentally, is now the dean of the college of arts and sciences) once told me my writing was always very sensitive, and I always thought he was full of shit. And maybe it's me (LOL), but I think I'm becoming a little more vulnerable. Still bitter, but less calloused, I guess. My emotions have been running amuck, but I feel sort of...adult. (Which is frightening, if that's what being an adult is like.) My fantasies now center around the 50s ideal housewife. (I'm kidding. Sort of.) But seriously, pardon the cheese, I feel like my cocoon has opened!

...then again, it could just be the sleep deprivation.

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 21:08:42 GMT

Things are looking up! My theory professor gave my first paper an A, which is wonderful! My fine arts advisor was very impressed by my drawings and says now he can be "relieved" about my portfolio review! Yesssss!!

Today is GREAT!

On the down side, I had another visit from Gregor Samsa--ew. I guess my building might have a problem because they're bringing in the exterminator.

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 07:46:19 GMT

Oh, who am I kidding!? I don't want to be mediocre! Not being the best doesn't mean settling for last!

I want to live to the fullest!!

Junioritis

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 06:39:16 GMT

Aw, man, I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm sick to death of school, which makes me feel ueber guilty; but if I have to read any more Shakespeare or write one more paper, I'll just die.

Blaaaah blah blah blah. I feel bad that I'm not trying my hardest anymore, but it seems like being mediocre gets me in the same place anyways. God, is that horrible? I mean, I do do a lot: double major, getting ready to study abroad, work, portfolio review... It's just striving for straight As is no longer a huge priority (and consequently, my motivation is lacking severely). I guess it's just all about perspective...? Maybe it's because I don't want to go to grad school...?

However! Things have been much less stressful than they were, which has been fabulous and amazing. Except today I found a cockroach in my hallway--my first sight of vermin ever in Chicago.

PS Catcher in the Rye-esque things have been making many appearances in my life lately. Holden Caulfield Lives!

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 06:04:27 GMT

The kids and I (I guess I should start clarifying: the kids as in Hannah, Scott, Liz, Ryan, Colleen, maybe Grant, and Brett) are going up to Michigan for a long weekend. I always have a lot of fun, even if I have to pick off ticks and get eaten alive anyways. I've never even seen another person where we go, save for the farms twenty minutes or so outside, so it gets incredibly dark and super quiet. Once I rowed a canoe three feet away from a crane. It was so cool!

Man, as much as I love the city, I really, really love holing up in a meadow/forest. Maybe it's my inner child, but there's something really attractive to me about nature. I don't know, it almost seems surreal to me, which I guess is kind of an oxymoron, but whatever. I wish I could just become a horticulturalist and live in a tree house.

Whenever I think of nature, I always think of what Franz Kafka said/Max Richter "sampled," which is really cool, I think: "When Thomas brought the news that the house I was born in no longer exists - neither the name, nor the park sloping to the river, nothing - I had a dream of return. Multicoloured. Joyous. I was able to fly. And the trees were even higher than in childhood, because they had been growing during all the years since they had been cut down."\

Ho boy, I hope I'm not being pretentious.

The summer of love.

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 19:23:56 GMT

My sister is attending Steppenwolf's Tony Awards post show! Wowwee!

This break so far has been really fun. We've seen one another almost every single day so far. Last night we ate artichokes and watched documentaries on the BBC. It doesn't sound like a rockin' time, but it certainly was.

Boy howdy, do I need a job. Hopefully something will pull through. Ahhhh, actually, I'm not too worried. The worst that'll happen is that I'll have to work more hours during school. Ain't no thang.

Fri, 23 May 2008 17:33:29 GMT

So I am absolutely and totally broke since I'm not employed yet...

...but I just bought a ticket to see Radiohead in Noblesville. Fuck Lolla! It's time for a road trip.

Coo coo cachoo!

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 05:15:27 GMT

So as hard as this year was with everything, I've been feeling really sentimental about the end. My Children's Lit professor started crying before our final, and I felt such an affinity for my drawing class...

You'd think I couldn't wait to get the hell out of here, but I don't know, I feel like right now is momentous for some reason.

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 05:12:06 GMT

One week until finals--daaaaaaaayimn, when did that happen?

So I'm 20 now. It actually isn't as weird as I thought it was going to be. 19 was weirder. Mama Grds came up and spoiled the hell out of me and little sister Emma. It was very fun; I've been sick as a dog lately, so all I wanted was my ma. I must be developing allergies because I was really sick around this time of year last year too, which really sucks.

A lot has been going on as of late. (I feel like I neglect this baby until I exhaust another means of procrastination, so I never write.) I'm very proud of these two pieces I got into the student art show here. One won an award, but I have no idea what of because I wasn't there at the opening (which I feel bad about now, but there's nothing that can be done, I suppose). I'm preparing a lot for next year: I just added a Fine Arts double major, which I'm really excited about but hate having to justify.
Well, actually, I guess not a lot has been happening...

Impossible Germany

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 05:23:43 GMT

I feel like I'm posting much more often now, and with a lot more regularity. It's like taking Metamucil for my hands.

1. I'm going to Omaha this weekend to visit Niemann. Liz is coming with. I hope it'll be fun. I think it will. I'm pretty excited, but I'm also kind of nervous, as I haven't been on a plane since Germany, etc.
2. Speaking of Germany, things are beginning to congeal together for next year. I really want to go to Berlin, but all of the programs are strictly auf Deutsch, and heavens knows mine ain't up to par, so I think I'll have to settle for Luneburg. I still wonder if I'm making the right choice and all, what with Rome/China at my disposal here, but developing my Sprechen skills is probably a good idea. Anyways, Brett will be in Belgium for all of next year, so that way we'll be pretty close to one another. She actually might be in Europe until July, and my mother has been encouraging me to make sure I can travel next summer all over the place. How cool is that? Summers in Belgium and Amsterdam--pending, of course, on funds. Jesus, it'll be nice to hightail the hell out of America for a couple of months. I want to go back to Krefeld! God, I miss how beautiful everything was there. (Ugh, I'm just thinking about those mountains... I found out my grandma was dead on one of those mountains. There were wild pigs that my family and I fed all over the place, and the trees were so tall. And the Biergarten! My god, there were stone bridges and rivers and thickets and meadows... Oh man! Maybe I can convince my pa to take me to Michigan during break. I love the city, but I also would love to live out the life of a silent hermit.)
3. My lotto number for housing is 64. That's almost 600 less than what it was last year. I wanted Marquette, but I guess that's only for sophomores, which I think is a load of FUCKING BULLSHIT. Oh well. Fordham apparently is nice too, but whatever. I hope next year I meet a lot more people than I did this year. I had great times with the kids I did meet, but most of them are seniors, so they'll all be leaving. Poo poo.
4. I'm in the mood for something drastic. I'm thinking of chopping off my hair again. I'd like to get a tattoo, but I think I don't have the guts for it. Lol, I also think I'd feel kind of stupid/silly. Aieee!! So many decisions! So little time left. Where does the time go when you're nearing your double-decades?

History is made of people.

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 04:43:35 GMT

So I had the weirdest/most disturbing dream last night. I'll spare the details, but it involved my dead grandfather as an 8-year-old boy. I told him I knew "how much he had going on," but I just wanted to know one thing: "What my dad was like as a boy."

For some reason, it was extremely emotional, and right after this happened, I dreamt that I woke up and told my mom about it. I asked her if she thought it "really was grandpa," and all she said was, "Well, history is made of people."

It was actually incredibly creepy, and when I woke up, I had to remind myself that I wasn't back home.
What the fuck? I haven't thought about my grandpa for years, and there's no reason for him to be making an appearance now. Hmmm. Hmmm?

Everything everything everything everything in its right place

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 06:24:57 GMT

As Miss Abby ManG would say, "I'm feelin' all right! Ohh hoo hooo hoooo!"

So I'm feelin' good. This might just be the massive amount of Radiohead + rap I've been listening to, but I feel as though I've come to extremely important conclusions.

1. I have realized that regardless of the type of friends I will make anywhere, none will ever compare to those crazy ragamuffin kids I love so much. I am ok with this fact.
2. I have also realized that THERE WILL ALWAYS BE MORE TO BE HAD. Always!

Even though I still question the high road's reasons, I think I am much more content now with everything (and I meant that in the most vague way, not like I'm referring to some shit thing). This is the best I've felt about my life in a long time.

I guess we'll just have to see what happens.

Mixed feelings and some collard greens

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 07:40:19 GMT

So this semester is ending. Technically I'm not finished because I have an evaluation for my ceramics class Monday, but that requires absolutely nothing nothing nothing! so I'm pretty home free.
This past two weeks have been crazy. Last week I read over 1,000 pages and wrote about 20; this week I had a final every single day and still had to write over 10 pages. It was horrible, but I got it all done and might actually be pulling straight As again (which, if it happens, will be totally unexpected but so nice after last semester).

Anyways, I don't know if it's just the fact that I'm over finals/this semester, but I'm actually feeling a lot better about staying (maybe) at LUC. I hadn't just decided to leave after having a horrible few weeks, of course--it had been something I had been considering for almost a year now, especially because I feel like kids are treated like shit here by nearly everyone. Once I got over this though, things got a lot better, especially because I didn't let it bother me and also because I bitched out some people. (I wrote a letter to the director of our shuttle services and got the most ridiculous response--I think I'll post it here later.)

I've talked to a lot of people about feeling this way after I realized I wasn't getting what I wanted, and it seems like it's been pretty universal for everyone, regardless of their school/situation. My sister said it was "in the stars." My friend says it happens to everyone. I don't know, though, even though I'm losing two roommates, I'm feeling pretty ok about everything, which is a huge relief for me.

So I'm going to look into some schools in the area/region, but staying at Loyola doesn't seem as horrible as it did a month ago. I'm also taking the classes I actually want to take, which included Children's Literature, so who knows? Maybe it'll be the first thing to actually garner excitement from me.

On a completely different side note, I cannot wait to see all of my wonderful wonderful pals this break. This summer was terrible for us, and no one's working, so we'll have all the time in the world. I also have tentative trips to Toledo and probably Michigan in mind, so that ought to be fun too.

Also, I live on the fifth floor of a 25-story high-rise, and snow and ice keep falling into the balcony below. It sounds horrifying!

An unode

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 08:50:26 GMT

Walking Around
Pablo Neruda

It so happens I am sick of being a man.
And it happens that I walk into tailorshops and movie
houses
dried up, waterproof, like a swan made of felt
steering my way in a water of wombs and ashes.

The smell of barbershops makes me break into hoarse
sobs.
The only thing I want is to lie still like stones or wool.
The only thing I want is to see no more stores, no gardens,
no more goods, no spectacles, no elevators.

It so happens that I am sick of my feet and my nails
and my hair and my shadow.
It so happens I am sick of being a man.

Still it would be marvelous
to terrify a law clerk with a cut lily,
or kill a nun with a blow on the ear.
It would be great
to go through the streets with a green knife
letting out yells until I died of the cold.

I don't want to go on being a root in the dark,
insecure, stretched out, shivering with sleep,
going on down, into the moist guts of the earth,
taking in and thinking, eating every day.

I don't want so much misery.
I don't want to go on as a root and a tomb,
alone under the ground, a warehouse with corpses,
half frozen, dying of grief.

That's why Monday, when it sees me coming
with my convict face, blazes up like gasoline,
and it howls on its way like a wounded wheel,
and leaves tracks full of warm blood leading toward the
night.

And it pushes me into certain corners, into some moist
houses,
into hospitals where the bones fly out the window,
into shoeshops that smell like vinegar,
and certain streets hideous as cracks in the skin.

There are sulphur-colored birds, and hideous intestines
hanging over the doors of houses that I hate,
and there are false teeth forgotten in a coffeepot,
there are mirrors
that ought to have wept from shame and terror,
there are umbrellas everywhere, and venoms, and umbilical
cords.

I stroll along serenely, with my eyes, my shoes,
my rage, forgetting everything,
I walk by, going through office buildings and orthopedic
shops,
and courtyards with washing hanging from the line:
underwear, towels and shirts from which slow
dirty tears are falling.

Jim Carrey

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 05:50:46 GMT

The happiest day of my life will be the day I graduate and/or the day I open a bakery.
Basically, I love learning, BUT. But but.
It's not even that Thomas Hobbes is too hard; it's that I don't want to sit in a class and have a dick-face professor spew his arrogant, pretentious bullshit at me for the remaining 2.5 years. And then I feel ungrateful for complaining about school, when I do have a good opportunity on paper and everything.
I don't know.
Does anyone else feel this way? Like, I feel so unsatisfied by everything; and I know it's MY responsibility to get up and change things, but I just feel like there are so many things so out of my reach that getting up and moving would just be so pointless.

This question sums up what I'm feeling right now: What's the point?

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 06:04:36 GMT

Oh man. I have too much to say and no idea how to articulate it all. I just had this terrible fight with my best friend, and I became so upset and enraged and horrible. I feel awful. Like, I have this horrible conflict: I can't gauge whose actions were worse and afsisfpo I can't even say what this means to me.
What I'm most worried about now is that we're both going to be so upset we're not going to get over this. This is so goddamned stupid. Arrhhhhhhhggggghhhhhh.

I FEEL SO INSIGNIFICANT AND MEANINGLESS. I hate attaching meaning to this. It makes me feel stupid I'm saying this on my fucking blog when I can't even say it to my best friend in the whole world.